Reflection

This morning, in my quiet time, the study I'm using asked us to think about where we were spiritually, a year ago. Now, I would usually go get my old journal, read up, and figure out what Father was teaching me about this time a year ago.

But, all of my old journals are still in the States. So I did the next best thing.....and checked the ol blog!

About this time a year ago, I was spending the weekend in Arkansas for my friend's wedding. I remember feeling completely encouraged and filled throughout the weekend. It was a such a sweet time to reconnect with some wonderful friends that don't live close by.

As I was looking through old blog posts from this time a year ago and from two years ago, it just kept me thinking about how important it is to do a spiritual inventory every so often.

Looking back over this past year, I can clearly point out the tough times and remember what I was feeling and fighting against. I'm thankful that right now i'm looking back on the hard times over the past year, and don't feel like i'm currently in one. I mean to say, I'm loving my season right now with our Father.

Each day can bring a new challenge or setback, but it can also bring the most unexpected blessing as well. And lately I feel like I've been experiencing the blessings. does that make sense?? (Sorry, it's late and my mind has been functioning in another language for most of the day.) But what I mean to say is, this past year has had it's tough moments. I can tell you about them in detail. But, right now.....where Father has me, feels like a wonderful season of blessing.

I came across this verse a little over a month ago, and i am constantly going back to it.

It's Psalms 119:54 

Your statutes have been my songs in the house of my sojourning.

I not only feel like a sojourner right now because I'm not living in the States, but also because I know that I will be spending eternity in Heaven. This life on earth is so temporary. I don't want to get caught up in the troubles of life we face while on earth. I want to remember that this house, is a place I sojourn. I know my time here is temporary.

And no matter where I might call home, I want the Father's commands and statutes to be my song! I want my home to be filled with songs that speak of Him.

What season are you in right now? Is there a verse He has given you lately?

love

laura

Rough Times

I'm not sure if I should be blogging right now, because I'm emotional. And I want to be careful about what I share.

For about the past 3 months, I've been struggling with guilt. It's been this heavy weight on me that I couldn't seem to get rid of. There were moments of respite, but the guilt could sneak up on me in a second. I felt like it was taking over.

I feel guilt about lots of things: for not being the perfect susie-homemaker, for not wanting to clean my house 24/7 with joy, for feeling like I'm not catching on or studying the language enough, for feeling tired at the end of a long day that mostly entailed everyday chores, for feeling like I wasn't meeting the expectations of those around me, and for not "doing" enough for the Father.

I was constantly looking at the people around me, thinking they had everything figured out and under control. While I was left feeling helpless and guilty because of it. I was putting huge expectations on myself. I kept wanting to "do" more because then it would be okay, I would be able to measure my success. But then I'd still compare myself to those around me, and feel like a failure. Spending any time resting or doing something for fun was out of the question. I had told myself it wasn't okay. And if I did spend time resting or reading or watching a movie, the guilt would be there the whole time.

I've never gone through a time like this. Sure, I've definitely had things to work through and harder times, but nothing like this. I know it's the enemy. I kept believing his lies.

Which brings me to this morning.

My sister gave me a book several months ago written for people who live overseas. I started the book this morning.

The first chapter was spot on for me. It talked about expectations and how we will never be able to do it all. It was all things I knew logically, but for the first time I allowed my heart to believe too.

One of the questions at the end of the chapter asked us to write down the expectations we were putting on ourselves and believed others had for us as well. Then it asked us which ones had actually been fulfilled.

I realized none of mine had been met. And I was thinking, seriously, I can't do one thing well?!?!? But then I really looked at them, and had basically written perfection. I realized I was trying to not only meet my own expectations but excel in all of them.

(I've noticed that when my life seems out of control I run more. It's something I can control and measure. This should not be my focus)

We've lived here 3 months, and I want to be perfect at the language. I want others to think I have it all together. I so don't. I don't even come close.

I've been struggling thru this a lot. And I want to be free from it. I know that Father does not want us to live in chains and feel enslaved to the world. I don't want to live in the flesh. I want to be free and enjoy the Father without feeling guilty that I didn't "do" more for Him that day.

I want my focus to be living my life with joy and out of love and obedience to the Father. I want Him to be my focus above ALL else....

Living Life

Sunday night, Tabi came into town!

Tabi and i met at church when we were in college and became really good friends. She just moved back from living in Japan for 3 years. Three years is a really long time to go without seeing someone's face. No matter how much you skype, email, send letters, there is just something about spending time with a good friend face to face.

I took off a few days from work so we could have plenty of quality time. Monday, we never even left the house. We pretty much sat in the living room and chatted it up for several hours. I made dinner, Daniel came home, and we continued to just talk. It's good to have friends that you can just be with. You don't have to have an activity or a plan, but just enjoy having them there.

Tuesday, Tabi and i went to the mall, Target, and Sonic. While it may seem strange to list the places i went, at one point in the day i told Tabi "I really feel like i'm living life." That may sound strange but it felt so true. I don't really go to the mall, and can't tell you the last time i went to Target, let alone Sonic for happy hour. And to do all these normal, fun things with another GIRL...bonus!!!!!! It was really the little things that we did, that brought back a sense of normalcy for me.

Tuesday night we forced Daniel to play Catchphrase with us. We didn't really play it the normal way since we just had 3 people, but ended up having just as much fun! It probably is my favorite game.

Wednesday I worked the first part of the day, then we spent the afternoon hanging out and catching up some more. Daniel and I also introduced her to Slim Chickens, our fave place to get wings. I'm pretty sure she liked it.

 

What i really enjoyed most about our time, is that i was really able to articulate something i've been feeling for a long time, but have been covering up and denying because i didn't know how to really process it. From talking it out with Tabi, I was able to really confess some things i've been feeling since moving back to the States. And it was great to just be able to say it and not be judged or fixed. It's probably what i really brought away from our time together.

Switching stories completely.....i've been singing this hymn over and over today. I needed it. I needed to believe it. It's an oldie but a goodie. This is the chorus:

I know Whom I have believed,

And am persuaded that He is able

To keep that which I’ve committed

Unto Him against that day.

 

I'm trusting that no matter what  people say or do, or how the enemy attempts to steal my joy..... I KNOW whom i have Believed, and am persuaded that HE is able!!!!

 

The next several days are going to be SO busy, but next week I'm taking more time off to head to Sarah's and spend some good quality time with my nephews. I'm also hoping for a little emotional break. I'm exhausted. I know that at some point things will slow down, but there just isn't any extra time until it does.

 

I hope everyone has something fun planned for spring break...even if it's just taking a day off and having a mental health day. We all need 'em!!!!

 

And i just want to say......thank you. Thank you for listening to me ramble. Thank you for reading when i just catalog the mundane details of our lives. Thank you for leaving comments of encouragement. I love them all!!

 

love

laura

My prayer for today

We've all read it before. But today i soaked it in.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD

 forever.

What I am loving about this today are verses 2 and 3. Verse 2 can also be translated "beside waters of rest."

Can I tell you how alluring waters of rest sound??? Life is so busy right now, that it's easy for me to sit on my bed during my devotional time, and look at the dust on the dressers, the clothes that need to be folded, and let my mind wander to the crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Sometimes (okay, almost always), i let the business of life control me. But today i choose to let Him restore my soul. I'm hoping that you will too.

Are you needing waters of rest today?

love

laura

i feel weird

i feel weird tonight. almost like i need/want to cry, but not really sure why. i had a good day...pretty normal. but now...weird.

We were visiting a church on Sunday-yes, we're church-hunting. and no, it's not fun. it's draining and wearing on the both of us. we LONG for community. we're so community/fellowship/good friend starved right now. i'm dealing with reverse culture shock (but that's a completely different and much longer post, ha!)

i've been back in the states a year. it was a year yesterday. in the last 12 months, i moved to a new state, planned a wedding, got married, started a new job, and i'm battling finding the 'home' in Oklahoma if you will.

Anyways, we were at a church on sunday and singing a song that i knew but now can't remember the name of. and the lyrics had something like 'i bring an offering to you' I stopped short. what was i bringing?! did i have an offering? if so, what was it, because i was drawing a blank on this one.

i couldn't sing. did i have anything to give my great God? i felt like i didn't. i felt like there was just nothing to give.
i was praying and journaling this in my QT yesterday morning. i wondered if my role as wife to Daniel was an offering. is my ministry to Daniel an offering? can how i love Daniel be an offering to God? i think if i stepped it up a few notches it could....ha!

not being involved in ministry and investing in lives around me makes me feel worthless sometimes. i struggle with the everyday life here in the states. i miss my home across the big pond....

on a positive note, i was reading one of my devotionals this morning, and it had Psalm 50:23

"The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me: the one who orders his way rightly i will show the salvation of God!"

I just kept reading it over and over. I really felt like God was telling me, bluntly might i add, to offer thanksgiving. to not only offer it, but to make it my sacrifice. if someone sacrifices something, that means it has to cost something. it doesn't come easy, it has to hurt or change them somehow.

i wondered how i would be sacrificing my thanksgiving as an offering to my Father.

then i went to the mall tonight. i can't actually tell you the last time i went shopping or to the mall. it was a little weird. remember, we're on Dave Ramsey.

sidenote: we did just pay off our car this past weekend 3 years early!!!!

but being at the mall was hard. watching people go into debt buying their first home on HGTV is hard. not just because i want to give them a copy of DR but also because i see things that i want. and i let that fill my mind. i compare. i want.

which is maybe why i'm in a weird mood tonight. i'm struggling with KNOWING that i'm blessed with way more than i really need, yet still wanting.

i was quickly reminded a few minutes ago of what i read this morning. I want to offer thanksigiving. I want it to be pure thanksgiving that i offer....not grudgingly, not false-humility, but pure sacrificial thanksgiving. easier said than done...but i'm learning.

word of encouragement

I feel like i keep running into this topic everywhere i look, so might as well blog about it right? ;)

As women, we all struggle with our own insecurities. It can be something we've been insecure about our whole lives, or it can spring up out of nowhere. it's amazing that we can look at ourselves and play the mindgames and see a false version of ourselves.

I read this passage this morning and saw it in a new way.

Psalm 139:13-14

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

I pictured what Father must have thought or seen when He created me. Did he look at me and think "there's my litte runner! she's going to accomplish more than she ever dreamed!" or maybe he said "I love that she's shorter than most people, with brown hair, and blue/green eyes....my perfect creation!"

isn't it amazing to think that Father has already seen all of our accomplishments, knows our potential, and STILL looks at us as beautiful?? To think that Father looks at me and sees a runner he created...it blows my mind! it encourages me.

I never thought i would be a runner. i didn't think it was in me. But HE knew!!! He knew from the minute I was born that 2010 would be the year i discovered something He knew all along! It's like a constant gift I keep getting to unwrap. what else does Father have for me? who is he making me to be?

My fave part of the verse is at the end where it says "Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." does my soul KNOW that I am wonderfully made? is it a fact that i accept and believe wholeheartedly? do my thoughts line up with this verse??

Being married to Daniel has taught me a lot about our Father's love. Daniel always compliments me on my legs. He loves them.  Now my immediate reaction is to think "are you kidding me??? my short, vericose veins, toenail-polish chipped, chubby legs??? what could you possibly like about them?"

But Daniel continues to tell me that he loves them. i'll never really understand it, but it's easier to just accept it than argue with him and try to get him to see all of my bad points. :) He sees me in a way i have never seen myself. he sees good qualities that i didn't know i had. he affirms things that i'm unsure about. and as much as Daniel loves me, i know that it cannot compare with Father's love for me.

I was thinking about the day that we have children. i know that we will love our children no matter what and think they truly are the best kids in the world. how would I feel if our children constantly told me how ugly they were, that their ears were too big, they had too many freckles, they didn't like their athletic ability. to be honest, i would just want to say "get over it!!! you're perfect!!!! open your eyes and see who you are!!"

it would hurt me to see them struggling with things they believe make them 'less than.' i would want to do everything i could to show them how wonderful they truly are.

does Father ever feel this way about us? i imagine it's frustrating to see your own creation tearing down something wonderful that you made.

i was reading another blog and the girl was talking about some insecurities, then said "but then i realized i was kicking sand in His eyes." wow, what a picture and great perspective.

while i'm not advocating for more pride in our lives, i want to think twice before i tear myself down and take away from Father's creation. I need to just trust that He knew what he was doing with those vericose veins......   :)

I'd love to hear ya'lls thoughts!!

love
laura

Sanctification continued

I feel the need to give an update from my last post. I'm still learning and figuring things out, and a pet peeve of mine is when people share things, you pray for them, and then you never hear an update.

So...

Thursday nite Daniel was working and i was processing :) I put on some good p&w to listen to before going to bed. I love listening to some good worship before going to sleep.

the first song that came on was JJ Heller's (one of my FAVES!!) Only Love Remains.



Tears. I just cried. I hope that this is where i'm at right now. it's what it feels like. I feel like i'm being torn apart and being broken into pieces. I'm asking that it's Father who is doing it. I hope He is allowing the fire to burn away everything that is not of worth. because then i know the only pieces that are left are from and for Him.  

I know that being stripped of everything familiar and comfortable brings me to a place of peace and contentment in my walk. It brings humility. it brings desparation.....

I was reading one of my fave devotional books, that i've been reading daily for about 3 1/2 years. it's called '31 Days of Praise.' It's def a constant part of my morning.

Anyways, there are daily reads and topic reads. Friday morning I read about the importance of praise. and it said that sin masquerades as our master, poses as an essential part of us, pretending to be our true nature, and concerned about what is best for us.

Wow.

I hate the enemy. he destroys, he lies, and we believe him. One of the worst feelings is when you suddenly realize the thoughts you've been having have been lies straight from the enemy. but they seemed so safe. or so 'right.' It seems only 'natural' to want was is best for you....

About a month ago there was an area i was really insecure about. but i thought it was normal and every woman dealt with it....which in my mind made it ok. i was reading a blog and several women were chiming in on the subject, and the point of the blog was to get away from this insecurity and be free.

seriously, a huge lightbulb went on for me. you mean i don't have to deal with this?? i can stop buying into these lies that are thrown at me daily??? simple, but hard.

my point being, that i need to be aware of how the enemy will sneak in. am i believing that i have a sense of entitlement about things around me...or a situation that i feel i deserve....?

I hope that i'm being torn into pieces and used. I long to be used, even if I don't see it or know it. I ask that Father is using me somehow in the lives of those around me. I know i won't know till later, but i want to be open and willing to being completely broken and torn apart if it means Father is receiving glory and others lives will be changed.

love

laura

trust & joy

My quiet time hit me this morning. i love days like these. when it's hard, the Spirit convicts, and you know you can't stay where you're at.

I've been struggling these last few weeks....maybe even months. I'm not joyful.

I'm thankful. I'm grateful. I know that i'm blessed. but joy hasn't been a constant companion.
I'm very quick to complain about how i wish things were, or what i want.

This morning both my devotionals really spoke to me. The first one had a prayer that talks about willing to let Father lead me. I had to stop while i was reading it bc i knew i HADN'T been willing to let Him lead me. I didn't feel like I was being led anywhere....I feel like i've been dragged. i say dragged only bc it's my choice if i walk with Father, or if I go kicking and screaming.

I remember a time when I honestly, truly asked Father to take me anywhere, do whatever He wanted with me....if it meant being used by Him and for His purposes.

I can't honestly say i've prayed that anytime recent, or even felt like it. but how i long to be back in that place!! a year ago i went thru one of the toughest times i've ever had. and for a few months, it was a daily battle. but it was amazing at the same time. I relied on Father daily....I soaked up His promises and was comforted that He had led me where i was. I was obeying Him. Even though times were difficult, He sustained me.

Yet He hasn't changed.

My second devotional said

"Joy is never touched my external circumstances."

WOW!!! go back and reread that.

I have only been focusing on my external circumstances. And I've been so focused on the temporary. consumed really.

and i've made myself miserable. I can whine with the best of them.

This morning was so eye opening. Obviously i'm still processing and trying to relearn seeking our Father. Seeking Him to serve Him and others. Seeking what plan he has for me. TRUSTING that He has me where i'm supposed to be.

Trust.

I was very surprised this morning when I realized I haven't been trusting my Father. My perfect, loving, Father who knows me better than i know myself!!!!!! and i've doubted. UGH!!!! it makes me sick to think I could let doubt creep in.

Gross.

I do believe that our external circumstances won't always be perfect. things will never be exactly how we want them. but I want to be filled with joy!!! i want to be able to be honest if things are hard. but recognizing things aren't 'perfect' doesn't mean i can't be filled with joy in serving Father where He has me.

I know i'm in for a fight. This isn't going to be a one time get-it-all-at-once kind of lesson.  and i'm okay with that.  but i want to learn and live in complete trust of my Father. I want His arms to be enough. I want to be consumed with living my life in a way that honors Him.

love
laura

sanctification

can i be honest??

Monday morning, before doing my QT (quiet time), I watched Caroline's video she posted on her blog about unspeakable joy. Caroline is my bff, and watching her on video made me miss her even more. but what she made me really miss was closeness with the Father. While watching her video, i was convicted and did a little spiritual inventory on where i really was with Father.

I looked back to a year ago, when I woke up with peace each morning, knowing that I was giving my moments to Father. I trusted Him to lead me, had such a dependance on Him, and spent much more time with Him than i'm currently doing. He consumed my life. Until last Monday, i was giving the bare minimum. I was having a QT, but it wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't really starting my day with Him or consumed with Him like i've been before.

This really upset bc who wants to add another year to their spiritual life and be further away than before??

It's like having another wedding anniversary and growing apart as time pasts. I certainly don't want that. And i secretly knew I wasn't giving Him all that i had. I was putting myself first-wanting extra time to sleep, justifying the time i was spending in the morning, or even using distractions in the morning that kept me from surrendering myself each day.

This is TMI, but i've lived overseas, talking about poop isn't weird to me. Monday morning i went the bathroom and looked at my poop, and was like 'gross, that is what I'm giving to God.' He's getting the crap of my life. Gross.

The word that kept coming to me last Monday is 'sanctification.' Our pastor last Sunday said that Ephesians isn't meant to get you saved, but to get you sanctified.

How I long for that to happen in my own life!!!!

 How can I ask Father to make me a light to others, if i feel like i only have a match burning right now?? Just the thought of being sanctified brought new joy and hope!! I want to be changed!!

I knew what i needed to do. I'd probably known longer than I care to admit. After confession and journaling it all out (i really need to journal, esp if it's anything serious, or something i really want to be commited to or remember), i decided i needed to change my priorities and my time. If i thought i wasn't getting up early enough as it was, I knew time was one of my main problems. If i don't think i have enough time for a quality time in the Word in the morning, i'll skip stuff (usually prayer), and slide right thru it without really getting anything.

I LOVE my prayer time! it's something i know i need. i fall apart eventually without it.

I always thought i would be this great mom and wife...leading my children to Father, being the spiritual partner my husband needed, and thought it would just come automatically. I'm 4 months into marriage, and realize if i'm not where i need to be with Father, my relationship with Daniel will suffer.

We do a devotional every Sunday morning together, and last week it talked about how when we're not finding our satisfaction and needs met in Father, we start looking to our spouse to fill us. We expect our spouse to give us the things we want and need to feel whole. Another person will never fill us or give us everything we need. While Daniel could die trying to make me happy and fulfilled, he'll never make it. We're both imperfect people.

I know i'm rambling. Long story short (umm long?), last monday i commited to getting up early enough to have the time I need to spend in the morning with my Heavenly Father. I commited to lengthening and deepening my prayer time. It's been a GREAT week!

I guess my point to the post is this......when is the last time we all took a good spiritual inventory??

Are we just sliding by, giving the bare minimum? If so, who else is suffering because of it? Who are we called to be praying for, but not? Where does Father want us to be in relationship with Him? are we there? are we having a deeper, more intimate growth in our Christian walk than we were a year ago? 5 years? 10 years?

p.s. Has anyone heard the song 'God of this city?' Bluetree sings it. PLEASE youtube it and watch one of the many videos of it or look at the lyrics. The story behind the song is amazing. 

I remember where i was the first time I heard it. We were all squished into a small room about a year and a half ago on a Sunday morning, having our Sunday time together in Asia. Being in a city where there is very little light and singing the words that greater things are yet to come and still to be done in this city.....it's something we had to believe. Living in a city that is very dark where very few believers were, and believing, holding onto the hope that He was not done with the city. That HE was the light in their darkness. It's heartwrenching.

This morning at church, they showed the video behind how the song came to be. Then we sang it. I instantly saw the faces of the people in 'my city' where i lived in Asia. Before the first verse was even sung, I was sobbing uncontrollably. You know, the kind where you can't breathe and gasping for breath because you're completely broken. it hit me. it keeps hitting me. i can't remember the last time i cried that hard.

I want it to keep hitting me.

 I want to continue to be broken for people across the world, in small villages, in thriving cities...where people have never heard. I don't want to get comfortable here in america and forget that there are people still waiting for the Truth.

p.s.s. if you are someone who prays, pls remember me this week as i go to work earlier than last week, and start getting up at my new early time. I know the enemy wants to make me tired, wants me to justify why i should sleep in or skip my time altogether. I want the enemy to be completely disgusted with my life and where it is going. I want him to loathe my relationshp with Father.

p.s.s.s. i would love to hear from you! i've added my email on the sidebar.

love

laura