can i be honest??
Monday morning, before doing my QT (quiet time), I watched Caroline's video she posted on her blog about unspeakable joy. Caroline is my bff, and watching her on video made me miss her even more. but what she made me really miss was closeness with the Father. While watching her video, i was convicted and did a little spiritual inventory on where i really was with Father.
I looked back to a year ago, when I woke up with peace each morning, knowing that I was giving my moments to Father. I trusted Him to lead me, had such a dependance on Him, and spent much more time with Him than i'm currently doing. He consumed my life. Until last Monday, i was giving the bare minimum. I was having a QT, but it wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't really starting my day with Him or consumed with Him like i've been before.
This really upset bc who wants to add another year to their spiritual life and be further away than before??
It's like having another wedding anniversary and growing apart as time pasts. I certainly don't want that. And i secretly knew I wasn't giving Him all that i had. I was putting myself first-wanting extra time to sleep, justifying the time i was spending in the morning, or even using distractions in the morning that kept me from surrendering myself each day.
This is TMI, but i've lived overseas, talking about poop isn't weird to me. Monday morning i went the bathroom and looked at my poop, and was like 'gross, that is what I'm giving to God.' He's getting the crap of my life. Gross.
The word that kept coming to me last Monday is 'sanctification.' Our pastor last Sunday said that Ephesians isn't meant to get you saved, but to get you sanctified.
How I long for that to happen in my own life!!!!
How can I ask Father to make me a light to others, if i feel like i only have a match burning right now?? Just the thought of being sanctified brought new joy and hope!! I want to be changed!!
I knew what i needed to do. I'd probably known longer than I care to admit. After confession and journaling it all out (i really need to journal, esp if it's anything serious, or something i really want to be commited to or remember), i decided i needed to change my priorities and my time. If i thought i wasn't getting up early enough as it was, I knew time was one of my main problems. If i don't think i have enough time for a quality time in the Word in the morning, i'll skip stuff (usually prayer), and slide right thru it without really getting anything.
I LOVE my prayer time! it's something i know i need. i fall apart eventually without it.
I always thought i would be this great mom and wife...leading my children to Father, being the spiritual partner my husband needed, and thought it would just come automatically. I'm 4 months into marriage, and realize if i'm not where i need to be with Father, my relationship with Daniel will suffer.
We do a devotional every Sunday morning together, and last week it talked about how when we're not finding our satisfaction and needs met in Father, we start looking to our spouse to fill us. We expect our spouse to give us the things we want and need to feel whole. Another person will never fill us or give us everything we need. While Daniel could die trying to make me happy and fulfilled, he'll never make it. We're both imperfect people.
I know i'm rambling. Long story short (umm long?), last monday i commited to getting up early enough to have the time I need to spend in the morning with my Heavenly Father. I commited to lengthening and deepening my prayer time. It's been a GREAT week!
I guess my point to the post is this......when is the last time we all took a good spiritual inventory??
Are we just sliding by, giving the bare minimum? If so, who else is suffering because of it? Who are we called to be praying for, but not? Where does Father want us to be in relationship with Him? are we there? are we having a deeper, more intimate growth in our Christian walk than we were a year ago? 5 years? 10 years?
p.s. Has anyone heard the song 'God of this city?' Bluetree sings it. PLEASE youtube it and watch one of the many videos of it or look at the lyrics. The story behind the song is amazing.
I remember where i was the first time I heard it. We were all squished into a small room about a year and a half ago on a Sunday morning, having our Sunday time together in Asia. Being in a city where there is very little light and singing the words that greater things are yet to come and still to be done in this city.....it's something we had to believe. Living in a city that is very dark where very few believers were, and believing, holding onto the hope that He was not done with the city. That HE was the light in their darkness. It's heartwrenching.
This morning at church, they showed the video behind how the song came to be. Then we sang it. I instantly saw the faces of the people in 'my city' where i lived in Asia. Before the first verse was even sung, I was sobbing uncontrollably. You know, the kind where you can't breathe and gasping for breath because you're completely broken. it hit me. it keeps hitting me. i can't remember the last time i cried that hard.
I want it to keep hitting me.
I want to continue to be broken for people across the world, in small villages, in thriving cities...where people have never heard. I don't want to get comfortable here in america and forget that there are people still waiting for the Truth.
p.s.s. if you are someone who prays, pls remember me this week as i go to work earlier than last week, and start getting up at my new early time. I know the enemy wants to make me tired, wants me to justify why i should sleep in or skip my time altogether. I want the enemy to be completely disgusted with my life and where it is going. I want him to loathe my relationshp with Father.
p.s.s.s. i would love to hear from you! i've added my email on the sidebar.