I've been struggling these last few weeks....maybe even months. I'm not joyful.
I'm thankful. I'm grateful. I know that i'm blessed. but joy hasn't been a constant companion.
I'm very quick to complain about how i wish things were, or what i want.
This morning both my devotionals really spoke to me. The first one had a prayer that talks about willing to let Father lead me. I had to stop while i was reading it bc i knew i HADN'T been willing to let Him lead me. I didn't feel like I was being led anywhere....I feel like i've been dragged. i say dragged only bc it's my choice if i walk with Father, or if I go kicking and screaming.
I remember a time when I honestly, truly asked Father to take me anywhere, do whatever He wanted with me....if it meant being used by Him and for His purposes.
I can't honestly say i've prayed that anytime recent, or even felt like it. but how i long to be back in that place!! a year ago i went thru one of the toughest times i've ever had. and for a few months, it was a daily battle. but it was amazing at the same time. I relied on Father daily....I soaked up His promises and was comforted that He had led me where i was. I was obeying Him. Even though times were difficult, He sustained me.
Yet He hasn't changed.
My second devotional said
"Joy is never touched my external circumstances."
WOW!!! go back and reread that.
I have only been focusing on my external circumstances. And I've been so focused on the temporary. consumed really.
and i've made myself miserable. I can whine with the best of them.
This morning was so eye opening. Obviously i'm still processing and trying to relearn seeking our Father. Seeking Him to serve Him and others. Seeking what plan he has for me. TRUSTING that He has me where i'm supposed to be.
I was very surprised this morning when I realized I haven't been trusting my Father. My perfect, loving, Father who knows me better than i know myself!!!!!! and i've doubted. UGH!!!! it makes me sick to think I could let doubt creep in.
I do believe that our external circumstances won't always be perfect. things will never be exactly how we want them. but I want to be filled with joy!!! i want to be able to be honest if things are hard. but recognizing things aren't 'perfect' doesn't mean i can't be filled with joy in serving Father where He has me.
I know i'm in for a fight. This isn't going to be a one time get-it-all-at-once kind of lesson. and i'm okay with that. but i want to learn and live in complete trust of my Father. I want His arms to be enough. I want to be consumed with living my life in a way that honors Him.