Wednesday, July 28, 2010

i feel weird

i feel weird tonight. almost like i need/want to cry, but not really sure why. i had a good day...pretty normal. but now...weird.

We were visiting a church on Sunday-yes, we're church-hunting. and no, it's not fun. it's draining and wearing on the both of us. we LONG for community. we're so community/fellowship/good friend starved right now. i'm dealing with reverse culture shock (but that's a completely different and much longer post, ha!)

i've been back in the states a year. it was a year yesterday. in the last 12 months, i moved to a new state, planned a wedding, got married, started a new job, and i'm battling finding the 'home' in Oklahoma if you will.

Anyways, we were at a church on sunday and singing a song that i knew but now can't remember the name of. and the lyrics had something like 'i bring an offering to you' I stopped short. what was i bringing?! did i have an offering? if so, what was it, because i was drawing a blank on this one.

i couldn't sing. did i have anything to give my great God? i felt like i didn't. i felt like there was just nothing to give.
i was praying and journaling this in my QT yesterday morning. i wondered if my role as wife to Daniel was an offering. is my ministry to Daniel an offering? can how i love Daniel be an offering to God? i think if i stepped it up a few notches it could....ha!

not being involved in ministry and investing in lives around me makes me feel worthless sometimes. i struggle with the everyday life here in the states. i miss my home across the big pond....

on a positive note, i was reading one of my devotionals this morning, and it had Psalm 50:23

"The one who offers thanksgiving as his sacrifice glorifies me: the one who orders his way rightly i will show the salvation of God!"

I just kept reading it over and over. I really felt like God was telling me, bluntly might i add, to offer thanksgiving. to not only offer it, but to make it my sacrifice. if someone sacrifices something, that means it has to cost something. it doesn't come easy, it has to hurt or change them somehow.

i wondered how i would be sacrificing my thanksgiving as an offering to my Father.

then i went to the mall tonight. i can't actually tell you the last time i went shopping or to the mall. it was a little weird. remember, we're on Dave Ramsey.

sidenote: we did just pay off our car this past weekend 3 years early!!!!

but being at the mall was hard. watching people go into debt buying their first home on HGTV is hard. not just because i want to give them a copy of DR but also because i see things that i want. and i let that fill my mind. i compare. i want.

which is maybe why i'm in a weird mood tonight. i'm struggling with KNOWING that i'm blessed with way more than i really need, yet still wanting.

i was quickly reminded a few minutes ago of what i read this morning. I want to offer thanksigiving. I want it to be pure thanksgiving that i offer....not grudgingly, not false-humility, but pure sacrificial thanksgiving. easier said than done...but i'm learning.


  1. I'm so sorry your going through this. Maybe you need just a good cry. Sometimes I have those and I feel much better afterwards even when I don't know why I am crying.

    And I feel you about church hunting. Luckily we have found one that we all 3 love. And I am GRATEFUL!!