I'm not sure if I should be blogging right now, because I'm emotional. And I want to be careful about what I share.
For about the past 3 months, I've been struggling with guilt. It's been this heavy weight on me that I couldn't seem to get rid of. There were moments of respite, but the guilt could sneak up on me in a second. I felt like it was taking over.
I feel guilt about lots of things: for not being the perfect susie-homemaker, for not wanting to clean my house 24/7 with joy, for feeling like I'm not catching on or studying the language enough, for feeling tired at the end of a long day that mostly entailed everyday chores, for feeling like I wasn't meeting the expectations of those around me, and for not "doing" enough for the Father.
I was constantly looking at the people around me, thinking they had everything figured out and under control. While I was left feeling helpless and guilty because of it. I was putting huge expectations on myself. I kept wanting to "do" more because then it would be okay, I would be able to measure my success. But then I'd still compare myself to those around me, and feel like a failure. Spending any time resting or doing something for fun was out of the question. I had told myself it wasn't okay. And if I did spend time resting or reading or watching a movie, the guilt would be there the whole time.
I've never gone through a time like this. Sure, I've definitely had things to work through and harder times, but nothing like this. I know it's the enemy. I kept believing his lies.
Which brings me to this morning.
My sister gave me a book several months ago written for people who live overseas. I started the book this morning.
The first chapter was spot on for me. It talked about expectations and how we will never be able to do it all. It was all things I knew logically, but for the first time I allowed my heart to believe too.
One of the questions at the end of the chapter asked us to write down the expectations we were putting on ourselves and believed others had for us as well. Then it asked us which ones had actually been fulfilled.
I realized none of mine had been met. And I was thinking, seriously, I can't do one thing well?!?!? But then I really looked at them, and had basically written perfection. I realized I was trying to not only meet my own expectations but excel in all of them.
(I've noticed that when my life seems out of control I run more. It's something I can control and measure. This should not be my focus)
We've lived here 3 months, and I want to be perfect at the language. I want others to think I have it all together. I so don't. I don't even come close.
I've been struggling thru this a lot. And I want to be free from it. I know that Father does not want us to live in chains and feel enslaved to the world. I don't want to live in the flesh. I want to be free and enjoy the Father without feeling guilty that I didn't "do" more for Him that day.
I want my focus to be living my life with joy and out of love and obedience to the Father. I want Him to be my focus above ALL else....